Extended Interview: Eric Klinenberg's 'Going Solo'

I'm a bit of a social science buff. I heard an interview with the author of Going Solo, Eric Klinenberg, on NPR, on my car radio, and I went home and ordered the book right away. The book is about people who live alone.

In 1950, only 22 percent of American adults were single. Today, more than 50 percent of American adults are single, and 31 million - roughly one out of every seven adults - live alone.

He's saying that this is "the biggest demographic shift since the baby boom." This is definitely not an American-only phenomenon, and it is not as stigmatized as it used to be. In the interview on NPR, he was saying that people who live on their own often have more engaged social lives...than say...somebody trapped in a marriage and isolated from everybody except their mate and/or their kids. People are adjusting to living this way. They prefer it.

Klinenberg uses the term 'lonester' which is not an exact equivalent to how I user the term 'loner' though. His lonesters seem a lot more engaged than my loners.

A couple years ago I read Bowling Alone, by Robert Putnam.

He pointed to the decline in participation in all kinds of clubs, organizations, churches and so on. This book was dense with statistics about the erosion of "social capital" - how over the last fifty, sixty, seventy years, people were dropping out or not joining at all. He had a pessimistic view about us loners and the fate of us loners. We're sicker, sadder, crazier, and less helpful (I guess) than people who go to church and glee club and bowling league events.

Next I would like to read some hardcore social science wisdom focused at online community - online life. Or, I guess I could read all about it online. I did read something from which I remember a salient factoid...I don't remember where I read it, but: It said that people who are already loners really benefit from online interactions, they are only helped by it. But with people who go from being super social - - in the physical, real world offline - - to internet only type human interaction - - it kind of screws them up. Who knows....

What do you think?

forgetfulness

It's getting harder and harder to stay mad at those grouches at work...especially given how funny they are. I.T. people. They're snappin at you or talking over you one minute, and then they're forcing beer and food down your throat the next. I'm starting to understand them a bit better...how intense they are...how intense the whole ballgame is...how ambitious they are, We're gonna change the culture of this whole company, maaaaan!

They're very intense. And they want you to know more about how you should handle your data. They want you to succeed. They already know. They love you, they just don't want you buzzin their phones.

I hope I can chose my own adventure in there...design my own role. I'm psyched about B.I....data warehousing...the business of business. Data, normalized and then denormalized again for all your querying fantasies.

I'm new, so they get mad at me a lot. They're patient to a degree, but they really want to whip the stupid out of me...but my hide is rough and thick (and raw).

Weekend Human Contact Update

So far this weekend, the only humans I have spoken to in person have been my neighbor, some guy at Starbucks and various cashiers. I am going to make the following note to self, a life tip, a rule: No More Cashier Crushes. They are paid to be nice to everybody - - it’s not the case that they are being extra nice to me and me alone because they want to …ahem whatever. Cashier crushes have never worked out. Except once. Once when I was in high school, I flirted with a lady working at a toy store, and we went out on a few dates.

Why was I in the toy store? Because I saw her in there when I was walking by.

I have one current cashier crush that is worth mention. She is the manager at the CVS drugstore down the street where I sometimes pay way too much for cigarettes (I can get them at the Racetrack gas station much cheaper). But. The nice lady at CVS…she is so nice to me. But, she’s a runner. She runs half-marathons. Very fit and health conscious. My purchases of cigarettes and my chatty ways and my false assurances that I am about to quit smoking are not impressing to her at all. It’s a paradox. I have to keep buying cigarettes there in order to ‘run into her’ but my main point every time I talk to her is that I am about to quit. I can see the weariness in her face lately when I go in there. I'll go be sensible about my cigarette purchases (even though she gave me a discount card without making me fill out the application...and when I lost that one - she gave me another) Cashier crushes are pathetic (and possibly creepy. And kind of cruel: those people gotta work there, they can‘t escape the flirting and badgering). I’m done with it...even if the cashier calls me ‘honey’ -like the super cute and tatooed cashier at the Walgreens drugstore near work.

It’s clear that my instances of human contact, normal human contact, are far too few.

What's Your Scene?

A friend mentioned the drum circle tonight. I thought we were both done with that scene. Whenever it is drum circle night, however, inevitably, one of us mentions it. What if we go? Maybe it'll be cool. Maybe.

I have met interesting people at drum circles. That's where I met the above mentioned friend (one of the two friends that I currently have, ha, aside from work friends...but that's different and highly conditional...). I started going to drum circles here in Florida about a year ago. When I lived in DC, I used to walk by them a lot and wonder what they were all about. It didn't look like my kind of thing, drum circles...I was too busy looking for a pick-up soccer game or a bar -- or a bar with a poetry reading/spoken word type thing. Or an indie rock show. Or a pool table. Or a bookstore. Or: I was going to meet my girlfriend (who is now my ex-wife).

But. Now I'm in Florida. Single. Bored...when I'm not working that is...bored. I was going to drum circles regularly, like I say, last year...I'm still not sure if it's my thing...I started to doubt it though. I'm still trying to figure out what my thing is, I guess. My latest thing, I mean. I have to face the fact that I'm a khaki clad, short hair, half ass i.t. dude who eats meat and smokes cigarettes. I mean: I do drive a Corolla and listen to NPR (whatever that means)...I'm into Buddhist writings and Vedanta (at least I think it's Vedanta...or at least...that's what some people call it). I don't know. I'm not religious, but I kind of piece together bits and pieces of various religions...as a hobby. That kind of identifies me...lack of a concrete identity, just a hodge podge of this and that. I'm a little sporty, a little drunky, a tiny bit hippie, a tiny bit techie (that's my job anyway). Most of the clothes I have - people bought them for me for Christmas or my birthday - - because they thought it was something that I would wear -which happened to come true. I did wear it. It's what I wear. I buy at thrift stores too though see. Rambling here. But that's what blogs are for, right? How did I get on this subject -or this hodge podge of subjects? Oh yeah, I was talking about drum circles, and drum circle people. Some of them seem to be real deal gone granola tye dye twenty-first century hippies. Some of them are burning man types. Some of them are elderly folks lookin for exercise and community. Some of them are college stoner kids. One, two or a few of them look like scary karate champ types with big guns (muscular arms I mean) who look like they'd pulverize you if you spilled their herbal tea.

I haven't even defined for you (if you're still reading) what a drum circle is. But surely you must know already. So I won't. Google it if you want. Or go ask a social anthropologist. Or better yet, check your local listings and just show up at one.

So, what's my scene? I know some scenes I used to be into...scenes that I should probably get back into: Poetry readings were my thing for five or six years in DC. There was a whole gang of regulars I knew at DC poetry readings. Get drunk and grab the mic and read your scribblings to the people. Pick-up soccer, for a long-ass time, was my thing -- but I have since picked smoking back up. Cough. Now? I don't know.

So tell me. What's your scene?

Social Life = Mission Impossible

Circumstances are preventing me from establishing meaningful human contact. These circumstances are largely work related. I thought things at work would slow down this week, but it's still crazy. There are a lot of problems still to fix. I worked until midnight last night and until nine tonight. Work is taking up most of my time.

I'm still new at this i.t. stuff. I find it hard to be friends with my coworkers, because when things go wrong with these hard tasks they throw at me...it's just...not friendly times. You get to feelin foolish and inadequate. Most of these people have been doing i.t. for years...they are a different species from another universe.

It's hard to be friends with the people at work, and I can't take much time outside of work to have a life. As I type this, I feel like I should be doing some work. Work work work. I want a brain-dead job like I used to have. But. I'd probably complain about that too...I'm so under-utilized...boo hoo...and I got no money to go out and do stuff with people...haha.

I hope I can get my brains in order and keep a good attitude and win some people over. Soon!

next

I was soooo busy. Things are winding down after a huge project, but there is still some cleanup to do, still 'phase two.' I received some disappointing news, but there are encouraging things too. I didn't get an i.t. salary - - like I thought I would...moving from my old department into i.t. I'm still in this limbo phase between departments. I do i.t. work, nerd work - I work in the i.t. department - but they're still going to pay me the rate I earned in my old department (actually, the rate from two departments ago...I've worked in three different departments there). Sucks. But. I only got into the i.t. racket last year. I was worried they were going to boot me out of i.t., but my INTENSE Ukrainian director - my boss's boss - he gave me a terrific pep talk: There's a career path and a plan for me, he said. The money will come, he said, but I still need mega-improvement. I can live with that. I'd like to be friends with him - - and the whole i.t. crew, but I've never felt like I was on equal footing with them. That will come eventually too I guess. I go to happy-hours with them and all... I guess they're not the most personable folks in the world. They're more machine-like, and that's nature of the work and the character type.

I read an article at Boing Boing, "How to Blog." Articles like this are hit and miss, I guess. This one said you shouldn't really blog about yourself. Eventually you end up boring everybody - - including yourself. This runs counter to other writing advice I've seen. Blogging is its own form and all -- with its own standards and character and quirks - - but - - you should write what you know. You know yourself best of all (unless you don't - - and if you don't - that's a real good reason to start exploring the subject of self).

Yep. I write about myself. I'm not trying to be an internet rock star necessarily. I'm thinking and hoping my problems and discoveries might be universal - - we all have them - - and if we all keep chipping away at them - - - maybe we'll do some good.