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I was soooo busy. Things are winding down after a huge project, but there is still some cleanup to do, still 'phase two.' I received some disappointing news, but there are encouraging things too. I didn't get an i.t. salary - - like I thought I would...moving from my old department into i.t. I'm still in this limbo phase between departments. I do i.t. work, nerd work - I work in the i.t. department - but they're still going to pay me the rate I earned in my old department (actually, the rate from two departments ago...I've worked in three different departments there). Sucks. But. I only got into the i.t. racket last year. I was worried they were going to boot me out of i.t., but my INTENSE Ukrainian director - my boss's boss - he gave me a terrific pep talk: There's a career path and a plan for me, he said. The money will come, he said, but I still need mega-improvement. I can live with that. I'd like to be friends with him - - and the whole i.t. crew, but I've never felt like I was on equal footing with them. That will come eventually too I guess. I go to happy-hours with them and all... I guess they're not the most personable folks in the world. They're more machine-like, and that's nature of the work and the character type.

I read an article at Boing Boing, "How to Blog." Articles like this are hit and miss, I guess. This one said you shouldn't really blog about yourself. Eventually you end up boring everybody - - including yourself. This runs counter to other writing advice I've seen. Blogging is its own form and all -- with its own standards and character and quirks - - but - - you should write what you know. You know yourself best of all (unless you don't - - and if you don't - that's a real good reason to start exploring the subject of self).

Yep. I write about myself. I'm not trying to be an internet rock star necessarily. I'm thinking and hoping my problems and discoveries might be universal - - we all have them - - and if we all keep chipping away at them - - - maybe we'll do some good.

Hitting the Mattresses

Here's a goofy friendship story. During my college days, I ran with a bigger circle of people (bigger than two, that is). I think there were six of us that night.

Our neighbors - like four or five guys, all crammed in one tiny apartment - they moved out suddenly. They left all of their mattresses and boxsprings next to the curb for the trashmen to pick up.

My friends and I were in the right 'state of mind' for a crazy plan, and I hatched one. We took all of the discarded mattresses and boxsprings, and we stacked them next to the building. This produced a 'crashmat' that was about four feet thick.

There was a tree next to the building with a thick branch that grew right over the roof. You could climb this tree easily and be on the roof in seconds. We all got on the roof and took turns running and jumping off of the roof onto the stack of mattresses. It was some of the best fun I've ever had in my life. We were getting wild and crazy with it, doing flips and yelling and screaming. Then the cops came.

The cops told us to cut that shit out - - they said somebody was going to get hurt. So we said okay and waited for them to leave. After they left, we resumed the activity for another hour or so.

Then they came back and saw a few of us standing in the yard after we had made our jumps. They asked us if we were still doing that stupid shit, and we said no - - no way. There was still one guy on the roof, though, waiting to make his jump, this guy named Christian. Christian didn't know that the cops had returned. So Christian comes running across the roof, screaming, gung ho, balls-out crazy "YEAH! WOO HOO" - - and he already had a cast on his arm from some previous stupid, dangerous activity (skateboarding on painkillers or something). Christian spotted the police right before he made his jump. He stopped - - and just stood there on the roof, kind of looking at his feet, not knowing what to do next. The cops just looked at each other.

A Little Better Than a Photo of My Tupperware Cupboard

Today a friend and I hiked around a watershed. Neither of us are serious hikers (or photographers) - - but it was great to get out into the sun, away from the sound of the inevitable internal combustion engine. It was so bright out, so a lot of the photos were washed out.

I'm lucky to live in such a beautiful place, Florida. I'm lucky I can drag this friend of mine on death marches like this. We ran out of water quickly, so we headed back to the car.

Not long after my wife left last year, I saw this poem slide show piece on youtube. I had already met a few people who fit into the categories - - people coming into my life for a reason -- or for a season, - - hopefully this particular friend of mine will be there for a lifetime. He has been a life long spiritual seeker - - and while I'm not into spirituality nearly as much as he is and probably won't ever be - - he pointed to a lot of things that really saved my soul. Great person. Great friend. He'll come up here and crash the weekend if we feel like a more hustling environment - - I'll go down and crash at his place if we are into a more chill weekend.

We always have awesome weekends - - even if we don't do anything but roam.

Roaming is the best. Never know what you'll see.

Recruiting Loners

Driving around last night with a friend (one of the two friends I have), I thought about what I always think about when it's just us two dudes - - namely: I wish we had a broader circle of friends. This wish is counter to my loner nature. I guess I'm conflicted or something. I've said before that the best friend for a loner is another loner. The best circle of friends for a loner, then, must be a circle of loners. At what point do loners fall out of the category of loner and become non-loners? Maybe I shouldn't be thinking in these terms and using this label, loner.

Earlier yesterday in our roaming, we were in a spiritual bookstore, and I saw a guy who looked really familiar. I realized he was a guy whose picture I'd seen a lot at meetup.com. He initiates lots of spiritual meetups, but I don't think they are very well attended. I was thinking, Wow, I should talk to that guy. It would have been weird though. Hi. I recognize you from your photo - - because I've considered attending one of the many meetup groups you've initiated - but - for some reason - I never have.

No Friends -- A Possible Reason Why (or result of)

I would probably have more friends if the tupperware configuration in my cupboard was a little more orderly. Or maybe this is just a small indicator of a larger problem. My life is a mess (and I won't show you any other photos of the rest of my apartment (or of me)).

It's not dirt dirty here. It's just disorderly. Kind of like me.

I got no time. I got no time even for a rhyme (well -- I made time this time).

I'm working about 60 hours a week lately. That is not as much as some people, but it's enough to wipe out a lazy guy like me (a lazy guy with a serious netflix habit -- but I'm a functional addict).

Some weeks I work more than 60. I was up until 2:30 trying to make a form work last week. Last week I probably worked more like 70 or 75 hours.

There is a serious deadline March 31st. After that, I will have more free time. I am going to really get my life in order then. It feels good to work this hard though. It brings its own form of purity and order. As I always say, though, there has to be a balance -- a work/life balance.

I started this blog and wanted to interact. But I am already slacking on it. I can't wait until I have more time to develop this. Some day I will actually post photos worth looking at! One night I messed around with my blog template and fonts. What do you think of this font? Is it hard to read? I thought it complimented the leaves and vine background.

--MOrE lAter. I promise.

Beware: Freshly Divorced Dude

There are women at work who used to be really friendly with me. This was back when I was in a committed relationship, and it was clear that I was in a committed relationship. Lately, though, as the news of my divorce makes its way through the grapevine, I've noticed that some of these women have become distant. (Maybe I'm imagining it. This is a definite possibility with me...that I'm imagining it...and imagining other things...I'll save 'Imaginary Problems' for another blog post).

I think that these women are worried: They worry that, now that I am single, I will start to see our friendship as more than a friendship, and that I'll start to 'develop other kinds of feelings' ...and that I'll start hitting on them . . . and to tell you the truth, I am not entirely sure that they are wrong!

But. Restraint. I can't go work being a disgusting pig, hitting on all the women. I'm a little surprised (or not) that these women think that I would go around work being a disgusting pig, hitting on all of them (if that's what they think). Who knows. Maybe they're just really busy (I know I am). Maybe they have their own troubles, and they don't feel like hearing me complain about mine, Poor me, my wife left me. Maybe I'm generally seen as a leper and a pariah at work for all kinds of reasons that I'm not even aware of...divorce is just the latest reason to avoid me. Maybe I think too much. Sometimes I think so much, I get these headaches.

Friends Who Were Too Wild

I’ve had some wild friends: hard drinking, hard playing, hard-hearted, hard-headed hard-asses. Do I attract these people? …more so than the average person? Did I enjoy watching their wild antics a little? Did they enjoy having me in their audience? Maybe I was too scared to not pay attention, scared to tune a person like that out out…always feeling the need to …keep an eye on that one…and before long, they’d won me over. I laughed at all their jokes (because they were funny). When I was a kid, somehow, I always ended up being friends with the bully kid. Maybe it’s because I learned how to spot them and humor them and not piss them off - because my brother was a super bad badass (and that‘s no lie…right until the day he died). Humor them…use the language of humor. I respond to all forms of humor. Wild people and bullies usually have nutty senses of humor.

These friendships usually dropped off when I was transitioning to more peaceful, stable times. I stopped being friends with the guy who was always looking for a fight - who was always looking to get the rest of us in a fight, who was trying to have sex with every woman in sight (and succeeding to a staggering degree), including my girlfriend and most everybody else’s in our little ‘gang’…that dropped off when I got a 9-5 desk job after college.

I had a few friendships drop off when I graduated from college. I met the lady who would I would end up marrying, who I was with for thirteen years. I got pretty serious with her pretty quick. Those guys got pretty serious about cocaine pretty quick.

I stopped being friends with a hard drinking lady friend, a Burning Man regular - a hula-hoopin, self-proclaimed wicca witch, who, over time became a little more than friends. That was after I got on a serious peace and awareness trip (this was fairly recent).

I miss all of these people. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I reached back out to them. All indicators indicate that they’re still just as wild as ever, wild for life. You’re either all in with them or you’re out, I guess.