No Friends -- A Possible Reason Why (or result of)

I would probably have more friends if the tupperware configuration in my cupboard was a little more orderly. Or maybe this is just a small indicator of a larger problem. My life is a mess (and I won't show you any other photos of the rest of my apartment (or of me)).

It's not dirt dirty here. It's just disorderly. Kind of like me.

I got no time. I got no time even for a rhyme (well -- I made time this time).

I'm working about 60 hours a week lately. That is not as much as some people, but it's enough to wipe out a lazy guy like me (a lazy guy with a serious netflix habit -- but I'm a functional addict).

Some weeks I work more than 60. I was up until 2:30 trying to make a form work last week. Last week I probably worked more like 70 or 75 hours.

There is a serious deadline March 31st. After that, I will have more free time. I am going to really get my life in order then. It feels good to work this hard though. It brings its own form of purity and order. As I always say, though, there has to be a balance -- a work/life balance.

I started this blog and wanted to interact. But I am already slacking on it. I can't wait until I have more time to develop this. Some day I will actually post photos worth looking at! One night I messed around with my blog template and fonts. What do you think of this font? Is it hard to read? I thought it complimented the leaves and vine background.

--MOrE lAter. I promise.

Beware: Freshly Divorced Dude

There are women at work who used to be really friendly with me. This was back when I was in a committed relationship, and it was clear that I was in a committed relationship. Lately, though, as the news of my divorce makes its way through the grapevine, I've noticed that some of these women have become distant. (Maybe I'm imagining it. This is a definite possibility with me...that I'm imagining it...and imagining other things...I'll save 'Imaginary Problems' for another blog post).

I think that these women are worried: They worry that, now that I am single, I will start to see our friendship as more than a friendship, and that I'll start to 'develop other kinds of feelings' ...and that I'll start hitting on them . . . and to tell you the truth, I am not entirely sure that they are wrong!

But. Restraint. I can't go work being a disgusting pig, hitting on all the women. I'm a little surprised (or not) that these women think that I would go around work being a disgusting pig, hitting on all of them (if that's what they think). Who knows. Maybe they're just really busy (I know I am). Maybe they have their own troubles, and they don't feel like hearing me complain about mine, Poor me, my wife left me. Maybe I'm generally seen as a leper and a pariah at work for all kinds of reasons that I'm not even aware of...divorce is just the latest reason to avoid me. Maybe I think too much. Sometimes I think so much, I get these headaches.

Friends Who Were Too Wild

I’ve had some wild friends: hard drinking, hard playing, hard-hearted, hard-headed hard-asses. Do I attract these people? …more so than the average person? Did I enjoy watching their wild antics a little? Did they enjoy having me in their audience? Maybe I was too scared to not pay attention, scared to tune a person like that out out…always feeling the need to …keep an eye on that one…and before long, they’d won me over. I laughed at all their jokes (because they were funny). When I was a kid, somehow, I always ended up being friends with the bully kid. Maybe it’s because I learned how to spot them and humor them and not piss them off - because my brother was a super bad badass (and that‘s no lie…right until the day he died). Humor them…use the language of humor. I respond to all forms of humor. Wild people and bullies usually have nutty senses of humor.

These friendships usually dropped off when I was transitioning to more peaceful, stable times. I stopped being friends with the guy who was always looking for a fight - who was always looking to get the rest of us in a fight, who was trying to have sex with every woman in sight (and succeeding to a staggering degree), including my girlfriend and most everybody else’s in our little ‘gang’…that dropped off when I got a 9-5 desk job after college.

I had a few friendships drop off when I graduated from college. I met the lady who would I would end up marrying, who I was with for thirteen years. I got pretty serious with her pretty quick. Those guys got pretty serious about cocaine pretty quick.

I stopped being friends with a hard drinking lady friend, a Burning Man regular - a hula-hoopin, self-proclaimed wicca witch, who, over time became a little more than friends. That was after I got on a serious peace and awareness trip (this was fairly recent).

I miss all of these people. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I reached back out to them. All indicators indicate that they’re still just as wild as ever, wild for life. You’re either all in with them or you’re out, I guess.

Friends with Benefits

...not sure I can handle this sort of arrangement. Not yet, anyway. Maybe never. Maybe. Maybe not.

I have had a couple of arrangements like this since my wife left. Neither went well. It was super terrific while it lasted, don't get me wrong. I'm a guy, guys really like...that. But one of the people involved gets a little too involved emotionally, while the other person thinks the sex part is for fun and the friendship is just a friendship...not a lifetime partnership. I have been on both sides of this dilemma in my first two 'flings.' Being on the clinging, falling-in-love side: you get your heart broken. Being on the sex-for-fun, more detached side: you have the regrets of breaking somebody's heart. Maybe I'm still too shakey at this point to handle any kind of intimate relationship, I'm still shakey from my failed marriage...it was too soon to jump into the pool.

Maybe I'm just a monogamous kind of guy. Or: Maybe people aren't meant to 'own' each other. Maybe I just need to get used to 'friends with benefits' arrangements. Or: Maybe...as I always say - and as I will continue to say - there is a balance (some kind of balance...not sure what that would be in this case...seems black and white). If you are into somebody who is equally into you...and other factors are playing out favorably...and 'stars are aligned just right,' ...you are very, very lucky.

A friend of mine told me about Paul Lowe. He's the man who runs this 'workshop' ...that they made a documentary about...with a bunch of naked people in it. (It's about more than gettin naked...ha...there are serious spiritual/self questions pondered). Here's Paul Lowe's take on monogamy...and he's smarter than I am...not sure if I buy all of what he says...maybe some...maybe not:

The Best Type of Friend for a Loner Is Another Loner

It's just that it's hard for loners to run into each other and strike up friendships...because they don't get out that much.

I had terrific plans to hang out with a person who I adore this weekend, but at 2:30am this morning, I woke up to an odd sensation in my left eye. I won't go into too much ghastly detail, but I will say that my eyeball felt like it was going to pop like a balloon. You guessed it, conjunctivitis. I didn't cruise into work today...worked from home a bit. And I went to retail type healthcare center and got some high-grade eye drops.

Anyway, the person who wanted to hang around with me is this real hardcore loner I know from work. She has really isolated herself in the last couple of years. We hung out a few times last year, but it was difficult to get her to commit to any kind of plan, no matter how simple. Or, she would agree to a plan and bail at the last minute. She did that a bunch of times. I didn't write her off though. I understood. The need for solitude. Loners know this. But, her degree of solitude worried me, and on the rare occasions that I could get her on the phone, I told her so.

I talked to her on the phone the other night, and she said she had been getting out now and then lately. She likes to play poker, and it sounds like she's getting pretty good at it. She said she wanted to get out more and more...that she wanted to hang with me - like we used to. Our usual routine is to drink lots and lots of beer. I'm not so much into a drinking phase lately, so maybe I'll suggest...coffee...or kicking around a soccer ball...or going for a walk...or whatever.

We'll see whether she comes out or not. Sounds like she will. She said she trusts me, and she appreciates that I understand The Solitude. The best friends I've had have been other loners. With the friends I've had who were super social butterflies, it was awkward when I got injected into that circle of friends. Soon they realized how much of a loner I was, and things kind of unraveled.

Being Alone/ Adyashanti

In my efforts to 'get my mind right,' I've watched a lot of videos on YouTube. I'd like to start a YouTube channel and aggregate some of these great videos...videos of Gangaji, Sadhguru, Mooji...  The following one seems relevant to my topic on this blog, but it speaks of a positive from of 'aloneness.'

I would have more friends if I had more energy.

Human interactions, to me, are exhausting. I think I put a little more into it than normal humans do. My brain races: what to say next, what does this person mean, what does this person think of me, what is this person all about, how do I avoid insulting this person, what is the best possible thing I could say to this person, is this person following me, does this person think I'm an idiot...blah blah blah goes my brains.

Combine the above with the fact that I am currently working in the hardest job I have ever had. It is the hardest thing I've ever done of any kind. When I leave that place, I am exhausted.

Maintaining a 'normal' social life under any circumstances is exhausting. Rush home. Shower up. Race back out. Meet whomever. Stay out late. Get up early. Go to work....

The scheduling and scheduling conflicts are exhausting. Somebody will say, Hey, you want to hang out tomorrow? I say yes, and then I'll remember, Oh no! I already told that other person I'd hang out with them! Ah! And I agonize over it.

I need more stamina, I guess. I need to build up more stamina...get off my butt and get out.

I would have more friends if I had a thicker skin.

I have met some really interesting people - people who - even though they were truly fascinating and fun, I never really hit it off with them...long term...because...it seemed to me: They were a bit ...course. They were critical of me. Or they got their kicks foolin around, taking jabs at me (or whoever) - you know - pickin at ya...pickin at whoever. I guess it was just for fun...not necessarily harmful. But my reaction was: Screw this. I don't need the aggravation.

Well. Maybe I do need the aggravation. Maybe a little criticism might lead me to a little self-improvement. Maybe a little self-improvement might lead me to a broader circle of friends.

Or: Maybe it will change me into somebody I don't want to be...namely...a douche bag. A callous, insensitive douche bag. Up to this point I just haven't seen the point in mixing it up with people who constantly pick at each other, who force you to 'conform' or get out or whatever. I have had my own thoughts and opinions. I like my thoughts and opinions. I like my quirks. Quirks don't cut it in the clique though, I guess. I'm sure there's a balance, a middle path. What do you think?

Getting Me Out of My Shell

People have tried all kinds of horrifying things to 'get me out of my shell.' They notice this skittish nature I have and they think, Well, I'll cure him of that!

These efforts have neither been complete failures nor complete successes. I have at least learned the ways in which people will 'test' ya...'challenge' ya...toughen ya up. I've learned to recognize when an attempt like this is being made. And it shows that these people care. They try a while and then give up...or I give up...or I meet the minimum threshold of courage required for...whatever the situation is...I learn a little, I guess.

I've made my own efforts at getting out of this shell...gone up on the microphone in spoken word events or poetry readings...blurted out odd sentence fragments in meetings at work...I've stammered through and been somewhat functional.

I just turned forty-one...and I'm still trying to conquer this...whatever it is...social anxiety or whatever.

All Posts Unedited, Honest, Rough Drafts...Starting with this, My First One

I decided to start a blog about loneliness. I don't want to be alone. I don't think I want to be alone...but I am alone because of choices I have made...but there are other causes too. My lack of social skills is a big reason. Another cause is the snap decision to write somebody off...which I later regret. I make these decisions when I am emotional. I later think about it and wonder, Was it really that bad? I miss that dude. I miss that lady. I shouldn't have been so mean to them. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was when I was in the moment. Too late. Maybe. Probably. Maybe I could reach back out to these people. They'll think I'm a flake. They would be right. I am flakey. I can't help it. Or can I... I try, I really do try, not to be so flakey.

I should mention the fact that I do enjoy my alone time....just not this much alone time.

This is going to be the worst blog post ever written, all over the place, but I'm sticking to my rule: Unedited, Honest, Rough Drafts. (I will allow myself a few backspaces and deletes here and there when I've made an obvious grammar or spelling error...but...NO GOING BACK AND EDITING AND REPOSTING).

I'm going to keep my posts short too! If I have a focused thought, I'll post it. I'll try to keep em focused. Anyway, back to the topic at hand: Loneliness

I have two friends...I guess. One is my neighbor...so he kind of has to be my friend. The other is a dude I met at a drum circle. I have only known these guys a year. I don't have anybody from my past who I am still really in touch with. I have written people off. People have written me off. I am recently divorced. I followed her up and down the east coast leaving behind friends and family and opportunities...but that's a subject for a whole different blog, a divorce blog. Maybe later. Maybe elsewhere. Maybe not. Divorce was probably the best option we had. She was my life though. She was my one and only friend for a while. I mean, there were other friends now and then...but...with her gone...the loneliness is especially acute.

I've never lived alone before. I always had roommates (some of whom were close friends! ...but not anymore). I've always had roommates or lived with family or lived with her. Now I'm pretty alone.

I'm going to hit 'PUBLISH POST' now...and I'm not going to edit after that. This seems important for some reason.