People have tried all kinds of horrifying things to 'get me out of my shell.' They notice this skittish nature I have and they think, Well, I'll cure him of that!
These efforts have neither been complete failures nor complete successes. I have at least learned the ways in which people will 'test' ya...'challenge' ya...toughen ya up. I've learned to recognize when an attempt like this is being made. And it shows that these people care. They try a while and then give up...or I give up...or I meet the minimum threshold of courage required for...whatever the situation is...I learn a little, I guess.
I've made my own efforts at getting out of this shell...gone up on the microphone in spoken word events or poetry readings...blurted out odd sentence fragments in meetings at work...I've stammered through and been somewhat functional.
I just turned forty-one...and I'm still trying to conquer this...whatever it is...social anxiety or whatever.
yeah, I guess you must be even more used to it than me if you're 41. I am only 29. Living with loneliness is a lot like AA. One day at a time, etc. You can look at my blog called "Journalistic" if you want. It deals with the same kind of stuff. Just made it public. Good luck to you.
ReplyDeleteWell damn, we're all so cut off from the world physically thanks to all these cozy computers and wonderful socially anti-social gadgets. Who even knows where people hang out anymore???
ReplyDeleteI have thought about going to AA just for the company, ha! (And, I would probably qualify on other grounds.)
ReplyDeleteThat's what I wonder Karen. Where do people hang out? Bars, I guess. Bars and church. Bars and church - those are our options. Neither is necessarily exclusive of the other...but the thought of either cause me anxiety.
Though I live with family I have felt very, very alone at times. When my mom died I thought I would have support but other than support I have actively sought (Hospice) I have received nothing. I feel invisible. Sometimes I wonder if it would kill ONE person to have picked up the phone since she died and asked me how I am doing. I kid you not. No one has called. I did get a few notes of Facebook. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. *sarcasm* Who the hell sends their sympathy via Facebook?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, AA is a good place to start. You will probably find most of the people that go are just as reclusive as you. You may also discover *why* you are reclusive.
When I faced the deaths of family members (brother, mother, father) - at the time, I was lucky to have some people around me...but I saw the whole range of emotion and concern or lack of concern in those people. I was a mess.
ReplyDeleteI have one good suit, right. I went to one funeral, and I still had the funeral bulletin from the last funeral in my jacket pocket.
I'm still a mess. Probably more so...at least back then I had a good amount of people around. Now it's pretty lonely. But...gonna start 'fixin myself' ....continuing to fix myself...
Oh, man. You are so young to have had so much loss. I am turn 41 this month and I feel ripped off of a parent. All my friends still have both their parents.) I am sorry that you have lost both parents and your brother. Maybe this is a link to why you feel so alone. Trauma because of death can really mess us up/
ReplyDelete